my moms birthday was a couple of weeks ago. i usually post a picture of our family or of her and my dad, with my dad wrapping his arm around her. i was the first child, so theres definitely many pictures of me with her as a baby — but there was less pictures of us together as i got older. maybe because i have 3 other siblings to share attention with or maybe because i dont remember us being that close as a teenager.
every anniversary of her death or birthday or mothers day, i go through an album on my photos called “mami”. all important people in my life from all eras of my life have had an album dedicated to them, from siblings to friends to lovers. as guillermina’s special day rolls in i go through my routine and flip through the same pictures over again. i go through any new additions my dad has sent since the last anniversary and look through all my photos to see if there are any i missed that should be added to the album.
i choose a picture and post. i get the hearts and likes and DMS with “thinking of you”. done and done.
this time the routine wasn’t so simple. its funny how grief continues to surprise me even when i think i know what to expect. this birthday was met with a whole new emotional weight id never thought of before:
one day, ill run out of pictures to post.
there is a definitive number of photos that exist of my mom, and even less of me and her together. one day, ill run out. i dont know why this was something i only thought of a couple weeks ago, the definitive existence of my mother. her presence may live forever, through stories told and my dad’s devastatingly unwavering love. but there are no more pictures. i wont see her age, i wont have a picture of us together on my wedding day, i wont have a picture of her beaming with her grandchildren. ill continue to post photos everyone has seen before. theres only so much my “mami” album can grow.
one day, someone will run out of photos of me. this feels somewhat paralyzing, yet also full of hope? i have a set physical time on this earth. the best thing i can do is continue filling up my albums. and creating new ones!
one day ill have an album full of pictures of someone wrapping their arm around me. an album for each of my kids. an album for all the buildings ill have built around the world. albums for all the different cities and countries ive visited.
my mom isnt in this world anymore but takes up so much space in mine. my “mami” album is something so precious and so mine, that i doubt the routine of flipping through it will ever be mundane. ill keep hunting for pictures of guillermina. and ill keep filling up the albums of my own life.
currently channeling:
