new york has this power to make you feel like you are a part of something — like you are a small yet necessary function in this rumbling, growing, erratic social machine.
whether it’s on my walk to trader joes, on the G train, or in the elevator of my building, i am exposed to so many people everyday. somehow in our highly individualized lives we collide and combine to sit side by side for 3 minutes until we get to our respective train stop. existing together until the next person takes their seat.
in my first year in nyc, this felt really good. i felt the machine in every encounter and corner of the city. this made me feel less alone and more involved in my direct surroundings.
lately something shifted. these days the machine makes me feel like there is nothing unique about me at all. i’m not the only person on this train that feels anxiety. i’m not the only person that speaks more than 1 language. i’m not the only person here excited to wear my new sneakers. my experience is not only my own — it is also everyone else’s. suddenly everything i feel and think is just so.. normal.. so… insignificant.
i can’t pinpoint where this sudden feeling of insignificance came from. is it as easy as blaming it on getting older?
so many things that previously made me feel powerful, strong, and proud, are now expected of me. i’m 29. i’m supposed to be emotionally mature, i’m supposed to be independent, i’m supposed to have friends and be in a relationship and be settling into the idea that i (for the most part) know myself. these are expectations. i have those things — so what’s next?
i got to new york, but how much longer can i afford to live here? i found love, but at what point do i know my partner is the one? i have so many loving friends, but how do i keep them around with moves and marriages and kids? i found my dream job, but can i dream bigger within this role?
i cant be the only one that has asked themselves, “why can’t everything stay exactly the same?”. i’m sure my questions and feelings are familiar to people in my G train and local trader joes. time affects everyone and change is a human experience. this awareness strikes especially hard in nyc when you face the human experience so close on the daily.
there is no get out of jail card, no prince charming, no cheat sheet. living in nyc is understanding that while this human experience is shared, it is also entirely my own. i may be like everyone else, but my anxieties are real and significant. i have to give myself permission to be dramatic, emotional and overwhelmed. it’s ok. i’m not alone, but no one has to deal with my inner voice but me.
whenever i feel like i may be a small part of the new york city machine, i have to remind myself that nyc is a big part of me. it is essential to me — and maybe ill let myself think that i’m essential to it☻
side note to future me: this is a very grateful 29. in many ways, happier than ever. in other ways, more anxious than ever. stillness is good. it leaves me time to come up with my next big dream.
currently channeling:
