quotes taken from my current read “ego is the enemy” by ryan holiday
(its been a while since i posted… too long. life started moving at a pace i was not ready for, but with that came some long awaited wins. big wins. more on that later.)
as i was reading this chapter called “talk talk talk”, the word silence kept reappearing and i couldnt help but be transported back to my own thoughts on silence… ones ive been exploring since 2012.
“silence is a strength — particularly early on in any journey”
rewind to my senior year in high school, my theory of knowledge class (shoutout IB kids!!) was asked to write a personal essay based on the statement “i believe in x”. i chose to write about how i believe in silence. dont ask me how at 17 i was able to go that deep.
(i recently found a copy, if curious about 2012 archines you can read the essay here)
considering what i wrote about, it should be of no surprise to you that i was extremely shy in high school. somehow found myself in the popular clique (ugh i know i know #highschool) yet my most defining characteristic was being “chill”. friends with everyone, yet most comfortable in the shadows. looking back, im so appreciative of the world i created for myself behind that quiet facade. with that solitude grew an emotional maturity that didnt seek recognition.
ive now grown out of the shyness and have found such a strong inner confidence, but the lessons learned in that comfortable solitude have stayed with me. i can be an outward and social person, yet still maintain a thriving inner world.
“its a temptation that exists for everyone — for talk and hype to replace action”
ive complained a lot the last couple of years about my environment and overall life trajectory. and the people that loved me most were frustrated that i didnt do anything about it.
for all the hype about wanting more out of my life, my career, my relationships, it was all talk. deep down i knew i had to actually act on it, but i didnt believe in myself enough to push out of it. but things changes last year i met someone that reminded me of what i value in myself and how disconnected i was to living intentionally with those principles in mind. i then came to miami for the holidays, and people close to me could see how changing my surroundings seemed to light up that inner spark that had been dimming.
so i listened to them. i left LA and came to miami in order to push myself past my self imposed constraints. i went out to prove to myself that i could actually be the person i presented myself up to be.
“many valuable endeavors we undertake are painfully difficult… but talking, talking is always easy”
for the most part, that struggle to rework my life trajectory was experienced in silence. only the few close to me (and the occasional stranger coming across my posts) really knew that this was not just a few months away working remotely.. it went deeper.
i took a step back from the roles i was playing for others by placing boundaries. with all the external shit out of the way, i had to embrace the void inside me after so much time of not giving my inner world the attention it needed. it was scary to realize how empty i felt, yet have no idea what steps to take in order to feel whole again.
from what i portray on social media you wouldnt even have a clue. not really looking to share on my stories that i had a streak of 3 months where i literally cried every day. (now i cry maybe 2x a week and am truly so grateful to see myself more stable. maybe that seems like a lot of crying for others but its my reality so let me be!)
“the question is, do you seek the respite of talk or do you face the struggle head on?”
i felt disconnected from my inner voice, so i started to make a habit of writing and reading again. by silencing my head and consuming the words of others, i was better equipped to find my own words. any breaks during work went to going through endless drafts of my portfolio, my website, my resume. i found so many ways to spend my time alone that i thoroughly enjoyed. i started going to therapy weekly and intentionally practicing healthier mental habits.
now as these actions start to take form in more concrete ways of accomplishments, like starting a new job, its hard to communicate to others how big the wins really are, considering all the personal work that led to them. but frankly, i dont feel the need to. no one will ever understand what i went through, but that doesnt even matter.
what matters is that im proud of myself. i wake up everyday knowing i pulled myself out all on my own. after all, “impressing people is utterly different from being truly impressive”. i dont need to prove to anyone what ive accomplished, because only i know what ive dealt with in this space ive taken to find myself again. i have impressed myself the last 6 months and with that has come a fulfilling stillness. a stillness powered by silence.
“They work quietly in the corner. They turn their inner turmoil into product — and eventually to stillness. They ignore the impulse to seek recognition before they act. They don’t talk much. Or mind the feeling that others, out there in public and enjoying the limelight, are somehow getting the better end of the deal. (They are not.) They’re too busy working to do anything else. When they do talk — it’s earned.”
currently channeling:
