^ my younger sister’s mantra. i think it scares her how much we are alike… we both have a tendency to overanalyze and over-communicate. weve talked before about how sometimes it feels like we try to live with so much intention and self awareness that its debilitating: everything is a lesson, a test, an opportunity for growth, etc. why cant it just … be.
keep reading for a rambling of thoughts. it encapsulates the current stage of my life, aka — occasional tangents. some moments of enlightment. surprising positivity. but a general good time? absolutely.
i live alone in miami now. (well, its been 4 days... so archines, chill.) but yes. its a big deal considering ive lived with family since december 2020. but you know that already if youve read anything ive written (ive been quite vocal here about the uprooting of my life lol). im saving money living out of my family’s apt, yet feel like i dont own much of anything or have much to my name. the thought of signing a lease is fucking scary, which doesnt make sense considering i just started a job based in miami. like... im here. and imma be here.
its taken some time but if i take a step back and look at it holistically, ive made a life for myself here. im overflowing with my defined “enough”. im making good friends. my weekends are always full. i cant count how many nights ive gone out with friends dancing and just seeing where the night takes us. ive found a city to explore my passion for music that reminds me of nights in sao paulo. so many boat days!! the weather is fantastic. i get my tropical storms, yet the sun shines everyday. i started.. running?? at night?? (no seriously i bought HOKA shoes and use strava.. its like a thing now). im living in a modern but homey apartment in a part of miami where i still get a city feel, yet work in the most hip/artsy/young neighborhood. i wake up excited for work (its shocking to even write that), im friends with my colleagues. i feel closer than ever to my inner latinaaaaa.
being so happy with work gives me more ground to stand on. but why do i keep repeating that i want to keep the option of moving to nyc open?? why is the thought of a lease here actually fucking TERRIFYING!!! am i… afraid commitment??? loool u got to be kidding me. all ive wanted is stability. but maybe not anymore.
ive felt an emotional detachment from so many physical things that i truly dont care about anymore, yet feel strongly attached to things less tangible — > self expression, personal development and relationships. those are the things that affect me day to day and have a hold on me.. they are my drivers. the rest kinda doesnt matter.
alright lets get back on track.
back to theme: sometimes its not that deep. i finished a novel today that inspired me to write this post, especially this excerpt:
“things and people moved around me, taking positions in obscure hierarchies, participating in systems i didnt know about and never would. you live through certain things before you understand them. you cant always take the analytical position.”
- from “conversations with friends” by sally rooney.
so much happened this year that i tried to understand as it was happening. but i had to get through them in order to comprehend them. my analytical thought processes felt powerless trying to explain things that were so out of my control.
all i could do was keep moving.
i feel like im not in the deeper waves of depression anymore. its the little things that show me how well im doing. im cooking again. every single meal. making hella soups and yea u may think thats boring but wait til u try my soups. i had been working out consistently, but now i feel like im making goals and finding moments of pride, rather than working out for the sake of getting out of my room or struggles with body image. i journal and read everyday after work on my balcony. i watch the sunset and feel moved every time. i own so many matching pj sets, is that cute or WHAT. ive been keeping up with friendships near and far. i dont remember my last panic attack. im going to sao paulo soonish!! and going to nyc even sooner!!!
i feel guilty for still getting those random but INTENSE pangs of feeling lost, alone, heartbroken. how can i still feel this way after all the amazing things in my life i mentioned just paragraphs before this? and why the guilt? i KNOW that progress isn’t linear, but more than that life is a grey zone. good and bad co-exist. the pendulum swings. i am good right now, but that doesnt mean i then have a right to fully avoid any of the bad. and thats ok. i just have to keep reminding myself that with all this good around me, the bad can still linger but not with enough strength to overpower.
marti may have gone to sao paulo but i still hear her words “its not that deep, let it be”. shes wise. i miss our long talks about everything, whether it was discussing our life purpose, boy drama, our childhood, and hella outfit checks.
ill take her advice. dont overanalyze my own feelings, just feel. not everything has to mean something. and thats ok. its just like anxiety, the sooner you accept it the sooner it can pass through you. feel it out, let it be.
so heres my own mantra (among the many ive been collecting): keep moving forward.
this post suddenly got a real hippie / free spirit vibe… lol TOTALLY me. mami would love it though.
currently channeling →
