“the more open-minded you are, the less likely you are to deceive yourself”
im my own biggest hater. although im the happiest ive been in practically all 2021, i continue to have a voice inside of me that, depending on day, does an incredible job of making me think im an absolute GOD or stripping my self esteem down to scraps. (honestly props to that highly irrational voice, she is good at what she does and on top of it all extremely sassy)
im using this post as an exercise on self-awareness. an awareness that yes, although i have a deep love for myself and the way i look at the world, i have a deeply self critical side. one that in some ways motivates me, but also hurts me and pulls me into clouds of negativity.
im in a negative cloud right now, which comes down to this → no matter the levels of joy ive been feeling lately, my levels of self doubt are frustratingly unchanged. i get hit with mental slumps where i question everything and really put myself down. sometimes it lasts an an hour, an afternoon, or even several days. they suck. at the moment they crash down on me, it seems impossible to give myself some credit for my accomplishments. to trust myself more.
**its important to note, im writing this while in one of those “slumps”, so even if things sound illogical, its authentic to my current state. im sure if i reread this in a better mood i could feel differently.**
we all know past and present ines is flawed yet (lowkey HIGHkey) killin it. ive made changes im proud of. ive told everyone and their mother how im embracing flexibility, open to whatever the universe has for me… but those repeated waves of self doubt have me questioning if that openness is as genuine as i make it out to be. do i believe in what im selling?
im currently reading a book that delves into minimalism and its underlying themes of vulnerability and control. this following quote stuck with me →
“the minimalist is ultimately a pragmatist who has to reconcile for the desire for a better, cleaner world with the limits of what one person can influence. its often an internal, individualized process rather than an external one: your bedroom might be cleaner, but the world stays bad.”
(you really thought you were going to get through this post without a book quote you thought WRONG).
i think im happy, but then the doubt hits and i start to question myself... like ok sure i tell myself this lifestyle is great. but am i putting up a façade of not needing material needs, thriving in this “nomadic” life style, promoting a flexible persona, etc… as a strategy of avoidance? a way to avoid the panic that i still dont have any idea what i want for future ines? aka maintaining some sense of control by keeping my bedroom clean, while the rest of the world feels like a mess. its a panic that im desperate to understand, considering i have so many reasons to feel so great with my life decisions so far.
ray dalio outlines in one of his life principles:
“dont get hung up on how things “should be” because you will miss out on learning how they really are”
instead of repeating to myself how i “should” feel considering all the amazing things in my life, i also need to explore ways to more efficiently fight this self critical inner voice thats pestering me with those small but effective pricks of self doubt.
i dont necessarily need to control my emotions, but at least understand them. learning from my faults will help me better deal with my reality. in this case, the fault being a self-distrust that seems to take control of my moods and self esteem, causing mental slumps where i really put myself down.
ill point out again that i am so incredibly happy right now with myself. but that doesnt mean that i stop working on myself. and while these mood swings may not be extremely frequent, they are definitely present.
thats what made me start this blog → having a place to tell my story to better understand my story.
i dont have an answer yet to how to soothe this self doubt. but im working on it rather than ignoring it. making the most of your circumstances is what life is all about. struggle is unavoidable, whats important is to struggle well.
part of me hoped that once i got to the end of this post i would have a better conclusion. tie the bow neatly and move on. but if my problems were that simple, then it wouldnt be very ines now would it? (ive been battling self doubt my entire life, in what world would i solve it within one blog post?) what i know is that instead of dreading the slumps of doubt, im trying to understand them in order to better anticipate them. not deceive myself with how i wish things were. i refuse to let myself get so self critical that i get in the way of my own confidence that i AM absolutely killin it (most of the time!). and will continue doing so!
i keep moving forward as authentically as i can. so i guess this is adulting?? not knowing what you are doing most of the time yet fully in charge of your life? exhilarating yet scaaary. most importantly, i know im not alone. ☻
currently channeling:
